Wednesday, July 1, 2009

A Summary Of The News...For Dumb People

For those of you who live here in the States, you may be feeling confused or overwhelmed by the nonstop, 24-hour coverage of all the Very Important Things that have happened here over the past week. Thank God that that the news outlets have been providing us with enough in-depth analysis, "exclusive late-breaking reports', celebrity and talking head interviews, and medical and legal experts to help us make sense of it all. But for anyone out there who feels that he/she could benefit from some simplification, SuperRaizy is proud to present:

A Summary of the News... For Dumb People
1) Michael Jackson has died. Died. D-I-E-D. (Did you hear me? Should I repeat it?)
2) We are all endlessly sad, shocked, and devastated that Michael Jackson has died.
3) The following people are particularly sad, shocked, and devastated that Michael Jackson has died: Elizabeth Taylor, Liza Minelli, Deepak Chopra, Marlon Brando's son, Corey Feldman (WTF?), and Rabbi Shmuely Boteach (who I hear is currently in Iceland for some reason.)
4) The following people are pretending to be sad, shocked, and devastated but really aren't: the doctor who gave him Demerol shots every day for no reason and thus probably caused him to go into cardiac arrest; the plastic surgeon who made millions chopping off Jackson's nose and who might be the biological father of two of his children; Joe Jackson, who doesn't seem to be the least perturbed that his son has just died; and the Reverend Al Sharpton, who keeps appearing on CNN despite the fact he has no connection to this story whatsoever.
*****Are you still with me, people?*****
5) Before he died, Jackson was emaciated, weak, and bald. Or maybe he was upbeat, optimistic, and in great shape. He left behind an enormous fortune. Or maybe he left behind enormous debt. His family is united in their grief and want to protect and raise his children. Or maybe they are fractured and fighting and only want custody of the kids so they can control his estate.
6) The man has been dead for almost a full week and he has still not been buried. He looked so ghastly and frightening when he was alive, can you imagine what he looks like now?
7) Oh, yeah. Some other stuff happened this week, too. Something about Bernie Madoff being sentenced, a coup in Honduras, fighting in Afghanistan, an important Supreme Court decision, yada yada yada. And some other famous people died too. And I think that the Governor of South Carolina might have done something that he wasn't supposed to do. But I'm not really sure.


15 comments:

SubWife said...

Raizy, you took the words right out of my mouth! I So emphatically agree that words can't describe it. I felt the same way when Anna Nicole died. The same day 18,000 children across the world died of starvation, but hey, that's really not as important. Honestly, what gives?

ProfK said...

Bravo! Could someone, anyone in the news media please, please figure out that Michael Jackson was not the be all and end all for a lot of us still living.

Lakewood Falling Down said...

Of course, this is so healthcare can be rammed down our throats w/o anyone noticing.

adena said...

awesome post! I'm linking to it from my blog!

G6 said...

ROTFL!!!!
Very *very* well said.
... and if I have to hear Billie Jean played one more time out of cars, in stores or elevators, I'm going to jump out a window.......

Jack said...

Try living near the Jackson compound. It is a complete mess.

Leora said...

I'm enjoying the Governor story on the news. I've been kind of ignoring the Michael Jackson stuff, and then I read some blog post on the week before he died. Now, why, oh, why did I do that? Sort of like being attracted to a tragic and gory accident.

Today I think the Governor reported on what he did or didn't do with other women other than the one from South America.

Lvnsm27 said...

lol good post

frum single female said...

i agree. unfortunately i got to hear the news of his death at work where several of my co-workers were in tears.
the only thing i have thought about him in the past several years is how sorry i feel for his children. maybe now they will have a saner life. ok, probably not.

ilanadavita said...

Good post! I am glad the hystery isn't so bad here but it is still bad. And yes Billy Jean and Thriller are getting on my nerves too.

jb said...

if i hear thriller on the radio one more time, i think i'm gonna smash my radio.
i am also besides myself the farrah fawcet had the tremendous misfortune of dying the day before mj, b/c she got lost in the shuffle...

Baila said...

This is one of your funniest posts ever, Raizy.

I miss Al Sharpton. We don't really have an equivalent here in Israel.

The Kosher Bride said...

I totally agree. If we have to focus on a celebrity tragedy at least pick one we can learn from like Farrah Fawcett. I was shocked when even Madoff could not bump Jackson from the front page.

Shimshonit said...

Thanks for the laughs. There's a big news buffer (aka the Atlantic Ocean and the Mediterranean) between me and you, but I still remember the media circuses in the U.S. (including the OJ trial) and can sympathize with the overload. Great to read someone who can detach.

RivkA with a capital A said...

Reading this a little late, but still LOL!