A Summary Of The News...For Dumb People

For those of you who live here in the States, you may be feeling confused or overwhelmed by the nonstop, 24-hour coverage of all the Very Important Things that have happened here over the past week. Thank God that that the news outlets have been providing us with enough in-depth analysis, "exclusive late-breaking reports', celebrity and talking head interviews, and medical and legal experts to help us make sense of it all. But for anyone out there who feels that he/she could benefit from some simplification, SuperRaizy is proud to present:

A Summary of the News... For Dumb People
1) Michael Jackson has died. Died. D-I-E-D. (Did you hear me? Should I repeat it?)
2) We are all endlessly sad, shocked, and devastated that Michael Jackson has died.
3) The following people are particularly sad, shocked, and devastated that Michael Jackson has died: Elizabeth Taylor, Liza Minelli, Deepak Chopra, Marlon Brando's son, Corey Feldman (WTF?), and Rabbi Shmuely Boteach (who I hear is currently in Iceland for some reason.)
4) The following people are pretending to be sad, shocked, and devastated but really aren't: the doctor who gave him Demerol shots every day for no reason and thus probably caused him to go into cardiac arrest; the plastic surgeon who made millions chopping off Jackson's nose and who might be the biological father of two of his children; Joe Jackson, who doesn't seem to be the least perturbed that his son has just died; and the Reverend Al Sharpton, who keeps appearing on CNN despite the fact he has no connection to this story whatsoever.
*****Are you still with me, people?*****
5) Before he died, Jackson was emaciated, weak, and bald. Or maybe he was upbeat, optimistic, and in great shape. He left behind an enormous fortune. Or maybe he left behind enormous debt. His family is united in their grief and want to protect and raise his children. Or maybe they are fractured and fighting and only want custody of the kids so they can control his estate.
6) The man has been dead for almost a full week and he has still not been buried. He looked so ghastly and frightening when he was alive, can you imagine what he looks like now?
7) Oh, yeah. Some other stuff happened this week, too. Something about Bernie Madoff being sentenced, a coup in Honduras, fighting in Afghanistan, an important Supreme Court decision, yada yada yada. And some other famous people died too. And I think that the Governor of South Carolina might have done something that he wasn't supposed to do. But I'm not really sure.